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?This month Obaasema gets insight from relationship expert Christiana Ibilola Awosan, MA, MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy) on some topic areas relevant to relationship building. Before you read further, consider participating in this brief exercise by asking yourself the following questions: Why am I in my relationship? What do I hope to gain from being with my partner as far as personal growth is concerned? Do I inspire and challenge him or her to better evolve? If you?re not in a romantic relationship but are seeking one, proceed to read as the responses to the questions could be useful to you in the near future.
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The questions posed to Ms. Awosan are meant to encourage you to introspect and evaluate your relationships as they stand now and how to better approach the ones you are yet to start. If after reading you desire to send follow up questions to Ms. Awosan, direct them to: Comments [at] obaasema.com , Subject line: Relationship.
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Obaasema: In your opinion, what constitutes a healthy relationship?
Christiana Ibilola Awosan: I really don?t think that there is one answer to determine what constitutes a healthy relationship. What is healthy for one couple may not be healthy for another couple. With that said, I believe that the ability to compromise in relationships and strive for balance create an environment where a relationship can flourish and grow in healthy ways. Learning to compromise and thriving for balance in a relationship requires each person in the relationship to be committed to knowing and being secure in his or herself. ?I believe that knowing one?s self will allow one to figure out what he or she can compromise on in relationships. Knowing one?s self and what one can compromise will help people to avoid the compelling need to want to change one?s partner, which often produces an unhealthy environment for a relationship to grow. Being secure in one?s self allows a person to know how to balance the ?I? and ?we? of their relationship. Being able to balance the ?I? and ?we? help to create a healthy environment where both partners in the relationship are able to enjoy being themselves and their relationship.
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Obaasema: Do you think friendships are important foundations in romantic relationships and why?
Christiana I. A. : Friendship is a critical foundation of a romantic relationship. If a relationship is like a stew, I personally feel that friendship is the salt the gives that relationship a kick, just as it does for a stew. I believe that friendship needs to be the foundation of any romantic relationship. A romantic relationship built on friendship has a chance of weathering any storm and sincerely rejoicing in all triumphs. Genuine friendship in romantic love allows each partner in the relationship to fully bring his or her authentic self to the relationship.
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Obaasema: People from the older generation have accused this generation of being too self-centered and driven by a ?me first? attitude. The argument is that this is why many relationships don?t last these days. Is this true?
Christiana I. A. : Yes, I agree. One of the things that I am very grateful for as a member of this generation is the opportunity that we have to go after what we are passionate about. And at the same time, most of us tend to focus on our passion and our needs, which is not productive for being in a relationship. ?I think it is important to differentiate the attitude of ?me first? that is led by a selfish intent or self-centeredness versus ?me first? that is led by self-preservation. A self-centered ?me first? attitude definitely ruins relationships. A self-centered ?me first? attitude does not care about the interest of the other person in the relationship and for the relationship as a whole, while a ?me first? self-preservation attitude helps to reenergize a relationship. A person with the self-preservation ?me first? attitude in a relationship sees the need to take care of their own needs and wants in order to be fully present in the relationship for their partner, themselves and the relationship. A person with a ?me first? self-preservation attitude, I believe, has learned the act of balancing the ?I? and the ?we? in a relationship. While a person with a self-centered ?me first? attitude is still struggling with the balancing of ?I? and ?we? in a relationship. As a generation, I believe that if we continue to have an individualistic, self-centered ?me first? attitude approach towards romantic relationship, finding the joy and pleasure of interconnectedness in relationships would be hard to find.
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Obaasema: What would you say men and women need to understand about each other to help foster a sound union?
Christiana I. A. : On a general note, I think that what men and women need in order to understand each other in fostering a sound union is willingness and diligence in making sure that each of them do not believe the hype regarding the stereotypes in society about the characters of men and women in romantic relationships.? Sadly, too often, many men and women tend to replicate the societal gender stereotypes and attitudes such as ?all men are cheaters? or ?all women are gold-diggers? in their relationships. These negative stereotypes and attitudes often generate an environment where each partner limits their opportunity to truly know each other and allow each other to be their authentic selves. As human beings, I believe that we desire to be experienced and appreciated for our unique selves ? we all want to be seen and heard. In order to foster a sound union, I think that men and women need to see and appreciate each other for their unique personalities instead of what society tells them about what men and women are or aren?t.
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Obaasema: If you had one advice each for men and women today, as far as their approach to relationships, what would it be?
Christiana I. A. : Approach a relationship with the heart of looking for someone who will be a friend to your mind, body and soul and someone that you are willing to do the same for. But first you have to be a friend to yourself.
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Christiana ibilola Awosan, MA, MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy) earned a master?s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Syracuse University, New York. She is currently completing her doctorate degree in Couple and Family Therapy at Drexel University, Philadelphia, PA. Her clinical experience involves working with individuals, couples and families from diverse backgrounds.
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Source: http://www.obaasema.com/2012/02/15/advice-on-great-relationship-building-from-an-expert/
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